A Different Path to Education

USF

I earned a Masters in Social Work from the University of South Florida in 1980. It was a dream come true for a girl from the projects of Newport, Kentucky. How this came about is this story.

I grew up poor, and after the age of 12, was a ward of the state and spent my teenage years in foster homes and institutions. That should be singular. I was in one institution, Our Lady of the Highlands in Fort Thomas, Kentucky, which preceded two failed foster care placements.

The second foster family sent me to live with my father, the man who had sexually abused me as a little girl. Yes, they knew what he had done, but they said he was a Christian now and that God had forgiven him. Although I knew he would never again molest me, it was still stressful. Every day I faced the reminder of what had been, and I held my breath every time he walked past my bedroom door at night.

My oldest sister also lived with him as did my younger sister. My oldest sister had always blamed me for the breakup of our family because I reported the abuse. She was four or five months pregnant and said that she could not work to help support us. My father held a minimum wage job, which in 1968 was $1.60 an hour. She and my father encouraged me to get a job to help with expenses and so that Liz could buy baby clothes and other things for her coming child. I did as expected of me and dropped out of school.

Living with my family did not work out for me, and since I was employed full time, a family court judge gave me custody of myself. After a few months, I moved in with a friend in Pennsylvania and tried going back to school, but again I dropped out. Finally, in 1969 I took the G.E.D. examination and passed.  A high school equivalency was better than no diploma at all.

I will skip past years that included getting married, having a baby, and other life-altering events and jump to my years in the U.S. Army. There, I learned about the DANTE*[1] tests and CLEP*[2] tests and took advantage of them to earn over 90 credits. I also attended classes at one of Park University campuses at Fort Bliss, Texas. When I left the military, I had over 120 credits but no degree.  That meant taking additional courses at St. Joseph’s College in Philadelphia and at West Chester State College in Pennsylvania. Those credits were transferred back to Park University, which awarded me a bachelor’s degree in Social Psychology in 1980.

By then I had two children to support and no financial or any other type of assistance from my sons’ fathers. At least the degree helped me get a better paying job. I got married again, and a few years later, we moved to Florida.

I had no idea what a social worker was until I met one in a nursing home. She told me a little about the field, and I realized that this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my working life. She told me that the University of South Florida had a social work program. It took me another year to apply because I had never taken the SAT. That terrified me. How could I pass the SAT when I never attended regular college courses? I bought books and studied at home for a year, then completed the application for the test and sent in the fee.

The day of the test, I was so anxious that I had panic attacks and could not focus. A voice in my head told me that taking the test was an act of futility. I don’t know how I got through it. When my scores arrived in the mail, I had mixed feelings. I was disappointed that I had scored so low but thrilled that I scored high enough to meet the university’s admission requirements. (Not sure now, but I think I scored 1150. Not impressive.)

I submitted my application to the program just before the deadline for the upcoming school year. I knew that less than 20% of all applicants were accepted and that it would take months after the interview to learn if I had been approved. By the day of the interview, I had so little real hope that I faced my interviewer with the attitude that I had nothing to lose. I must add one other thing. Before the interview, I prayed a lot. I told God that I needed his help but that I had trouble discerning between his will and mine, and that if it was his will that I should be a social worker, that he had to give me a sign, and nothing subtle either. It had to be significant, like handwriting on the wall.

I got my handwriting on the wall. I don’t remember the interview, but I remember how it ended. At the conclusion, my interviewer stuck out his hand to shake mine. Instead of a polite “goodbye” he said, “welcome to the University of South Florida Graduate School of Social Work.” I could not believe what I had heard and asked him to verify that I was in.

I completed the Masters in Social Work with a 3.77 GPA. I could not manage better than a ‘B’ in statistics, and one of my professors downgraded me a full grade, from an ‘A’ to a ‘B’ for missing too many classes. I did not point out to him that I attended school full time, worked 40 hours a week at night, and another 20 hours a week for my internship in addition to having a family. I was too proud. It only mattered that I completed the program and earned my degree. Even with a less than 4.0 GPA, I was in the top 10% of my class. My bachelor’s degree was often scoffed at because I tested out of more courses than I attended, but no one could take this accomplishment away from me. Ω

 

 

[1] DSST (formerly DANTES Subject Standardized Tests) are credit-by-examination tests originated by the United States Department of Defense’s Defense Activity for Non-Traditional Education Support (DANTES) program.

[2] The College Board’s College-Level Examination Program (CLEP)

 

Escaping From Irma and Other Thoughts

This year’s hurricane season has been awful! Houston was slammed by Harvey in August and sustained severe flooding. Houston received up to 52 inches of rain in just a few days. A month later, Irma wound up the Caribbean and was forecasted to travel up the west coast of Florida. It was one of the biggest storms on record: over 3oo miles wide with wind speeds up to 175 miles per hour; and as I write this and less than two weeks later, Puerto Rico is presently under assail by another category five storm, hurricane Maria.

I planned to stay home during hurricane Irma and hope for the best, but a friend talked me into evacuating. Of course, all of my Facebook friends were urging me to do the same, so the choice between facing down a possible direct hit from a category five hurricane versus leaving along with 7 million other Floridians was an easy one. Evacuate.

The drive out of Florida was arduous. The highways were packed and until we reached Tallahassee, for many hundred mile stretches at a time, we could drive no faster than 25 miles per hour. By midnight we looked for a rest stop to sleep a bit and recover. At the first rest stop I had a wonderful experience; a Déjà vu of memories more than fifty years ago when things like Woodstock, love, and peace reigned. Dozens of people representing every age, gender, economic status and many races stood in groups sharing their experiences. A white man in designer clothing was talking to a Latino wearing faded jeans and a worn shirt. A young woman with several tired and cranky children allowed an old couple to share treats with their children and speak words of comfort to them. The storm was a great equalizer. Skin color, income, and education level did not seem to matter to people sharing a common threat. Unfortunately, George thought this rest stop was too bright and loud and believed that he would not be able to sleep, so we moved on to the next rest area.

One more thing. Florida state troopers (Florida Department of Law Enforcement) patrolled the rest stops, welcomed evacuees to stop and sleep, and directed cars to available parking spaces. They were kind and helpful. In addition to the standard restrooms, every rest stop had many portable toilets set up to reduce wait times.

Finding a hotel room was as difficult as the long drive. Millions of evacuees meant that there were no hotel or motel rooms available in Alabama or Mississippi. We ended up driving all the way to Metairie, Louisiana, a city about ten miles from New Orleans.

Two days later, we drove back home. Many gas stations had either no power or no gas, and the traffic was heavier than when we exited. I was fortunate. The storm veered east. Tampa was not hit by the eye of this storm but suffered only strong winds and heavy rains. I sustained just a few broken tree limbs. While we lost power in my neighborhood, it was back on by the time that I got home.

There are so many other things that I do not know how to talk about. I received a lot of love and support from family members, and I keep wondering why my son never called or texted me to make sure that I was ok. Before we evacuated, I asked to talk to my grandsons, but my son replied by text that he was too busy with meetings and soccer to arrange that call.

Yesterday was Tod’s birthday. He is my youngest son who died nine years ago. I miss him. Tod cared about me and often called me “just to talk” and to let me know what was going on in his life. He enjoyed talking to me and sometimes called for no reason other than to relay a story he knew I would enjoy. I know Tod would have called me before Irma because in 2004 when Florida had four hurricanes, my son came to stay with me to make sure that I was ok. Storms are traumatic events and many times these past weeks, I thought about him. Happy belated birthday, Tod! Fair winds and following seas.

 

 

 

Preparing for My First Adventure

Bear in Fall-rev-5w-web

My sleep patterns are off. I am awake all night and sleep all day. It started while Karen was in the hospital and I remember talking to her about it. I attributed it to anxiety, and I think that is the major cause although there might be other reasons. What troubles me the most is when I cannot fall to sleep until seven o’clock in the morning even when I force myself to bed before two o’clock. I lie awake “buzzing,” I don’t know how else to describe it. What that means is that I accomplish very little during the hours when I am awake because I am simply too exhausted.

What I have accomplished so far: I cleaned my porch and put everything back that was displaced by painting three months ago. I sorted out and filled three large boxes with stuff to donate and pitched the equivalent amount of assorted “stuff” into the trash. I arranged to close out my IRA account and am waiting for those funds to be deposited in my checking account and ordered an alarm system to protect the house while I am away from home. Once the alarm system is installed, there are no more excuses for not taking to the road.

I worked a few hours on my manuscript and need to do more before I leave. I have so many paintings, not all of which are worth keeping and in the process of sorting through them I ran across one that I thought could be salvaged. Lightening the water and creating more depth to the foliage in my bear painting was another small accomplishment. So much to do and so little energy! I just wish I could get back to more sane sleep patterns. Hopefully, a road trip will help to that end.

Looking Back-Looking Forward

My mind has been a little strange lately. All kinds of memories come to me, sometimes in long streams like videos, and other times just snippets like photographs that describe the moment but leave out what happened just before or came right after. I know what has opened this stream of consciousness. I am at that age when my friends and contemporaries are dying off routinely. My Christmas card list grows shorter every year.

Karen-Dottie-2004Karen, my friend of over 30 years, died May 1, 2017. Another hole in the fabric of my life. I can’t explain our relationship. Once, I was closer to her than to any person alive. She lived with me for three to four year stretches at a time. She would be here and then move out without warning. Sometimes she had a good reason. She bought herself a townhouse in Tampa, but she could not bring herself to tell me until three weeks before she moved out. Another time she moved to Springfield, Pennsylvania to live with her sister but a few years later, asked if she could come back when that didn’t work out.

There were also periods of silence that could last years. When she did not speak to me it was never because I did something to Karen, but rather because of the guilt she felt for hurting me. A perfect example is the months before she died. I last saw Karen at Christmas when I stopped by to drop off a Christmas gift for her. I didn’t hear from her again until she was last hospitalized in April, two weeks before she died. She told me that she was embarrassed because she did not have a gift for me, and because she could not invite me to her home over the Christmas holidays. She lived with her oldest son and he resented me.

Losing Karen was a shock. I have been aware of my mortality for some years, but that really brought it home. How much longer do I have? Is the life I am living all there is? Do I have anything except broken relationships to mark my life? I am estranged from nearly everyone I loved. I cannot remember the last time someone touched me. Was it Karen when she kissed me goodbye?

That same night I resolved to change my circumstances. The volunteer organization to which I belong eats up 70 percent of my waking life and leaves me little time for anything else. For that reason, I resigned from all of my offices. Now, there is nothing to stop me from traveling cross country, repairing old relationships, making new friends and enjoying new experiences. I need to do this. I must do this or I will drown in self-pity and self-contempt.

Photo: Karen (seated) and me, 2004

On Growing Old and Lonely

Sometimes bitterness creeps into my poetry the way a tear escapes even when you don’t want to cry. While many of my poems deal with vulnerability and pain, I usually express these with words of sadness and not bitterness.  There is nothing noble about acrimony.

(The bag lady feeding pigeons in the park is an old pastel of mine.)

Lunch Time-8h-200ppi